When adults behave like children, Pt II

You may remember my somewhat angry post last month. You know, the post about my daughter the bully. I thought everything had been resolved, as resolved as a situation like that can ever get. I have noticed the mom, my once friend, has been avoiding me at school. Actually I can’t say for sure that she’s been avoiding me. She hasn’t been at school when she has been in the past so I’ve just taken that as avoiding me.

That’s fine. My friendship with her had certainly changed because of the incident so I wasn’t completely disappointed. I was getting tired of the tales my daughter would tell of the classmate in question, the biggest being her mom had forbidden her from playing with my daughter. Okay, this must be the little girl making up a story, she’s very good at doing that in order to get a reaction from people. I mean why after our conversation would this mother take such extreme measures.

The whole ordeal has caused such strain in our family. After the original incident we were planning for my daughter’s birthday. She said she didn’t want to invite the girl but felt like she had to; my daughter was getting all stressed about the whole situation. To make things easier we decided not to have a party and instead she would invite two girlfriends over for a playdate and sleepover. At the time I was annoyed we had to alter our plans all because of one little girl but now I’m actually relieved; I think my daughter will have a much better time this weekend with just her two friends.

So everything’s fine right? Sure, until one day after school my daughter’s teacher tells me my once happy, outgoing daughter is now indifferent and clingy, not wanting to play outside. You can guess where this is coming from. This girl would play with my daughter all friendly but as soon as she didn’t like something my daughter was doing or if she didn’t drop everything to play or focus her attention on this girl, a tale would be told or the girl would start crying blaming my daughter. And the next thing out of her mouth would be how she’s not suppose to be playing with my daughter. What kind of messages does that send: I’ll play with you but if you tick me off I’ll get you in trouble and then remind everyone that my mom thinks you’re a bad influence on me and I shouldn’t play with you. I of course was fuming. I gave the teacher instructions to ensure my daughter and this girl did not sit beside each other or were partnered with each other for any reason. I also told my daughter she was never allowed to play with this girl in her class.

I felt awful saying this and my daughter of course was confused. All this time we kept saying that friends go through rough patches; be polite. Now I told her to avoid this girl at all costs. Not to be rude or mean but no playing or conversations (beyond a ‘Hi’ if she said something). I didn’t care if this girl screamed and rolled across the floor in a fit, my daughter was to walk away. Not the nicest way to bring up my daughter, but this girl and her family were starting to poison my family. We had tried to be nice and civil and they’ve been vindictive. It’s a good thing the mother isn’t at school when I’m there because I would be tempted to address this issue and shouting would probably occur.

So know I’m counting down the days until the end of school (or when she moves her daughter to a new school which is the story floating around now). I hate that an adult would behave in such a childish way, using her own child to make my daughter and our family feel the way we do. Grow up!

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2 responses to this post.

  1. You are not alone in this one. We as well are having issues with another girl in our daughters class except we have the teacher saying our daughter is the problem but our daughter telling us otherwise. Its impossible to speak to either of this childs parents either, she is always with a sitter.

    Chin-up. You know your daughter better than anybody else and you as her mom know when shes telling the truth, I understand completely what your going through! Good Luck! let us know if anything furthur happens!

    Reply

  2. Posted by Jenny on April 19, 2010 at 10:18 am

    As a total stranger reading your description, I’m reminded how complicated the friendships of young girls can be. I remember 20 years ago my friends and I being forced into “pow wows” with our teachers because a girl who created lots of drama claimed we were bullying her. In a way, I see now, we were (through exclusion and gossiping about her behavior), but it was a complicated dynamic. Girls this age are learning about friendships, boundaries and group relationships. It’s quite likely — I’m sorry — that your daughter has some part in this unfortunate relationship change as well.

    It’s too bad the other mom took this the route of the blame game — but as someone who doesn’t know you, it kind of sounds like you are doing the same. As soon as it is all about labeling one kid the “bad kid” everyone jumps into their own child’s camp. But this other kid you are asking your daughter to treat like a pariah is also just a girl, figuring out relationships. Perhaps she is, as you say, “manipulative” and her family is “poison.” She’s also 7, right? And how do you feel about your original judgment in calling this woman a friend, now that you think she is a poisonous element?

    I’m not trying to offend you. Truly. I’m just suggesting that when it comes to our kids we can take things quite personally, and perhaps that’s happened on both sides. I hope eventually you can see your way through a better place for all of you, whether or not your daughter continues a friendship with her erstwhile companion.

    Reply

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